morgueville,heartland living.

you know how you have big dreams in the past and then was steadfast in making them come true when you grow up? how you would then sit down and pretend it already came true. that's why dreams are always better than reality. you can imagine things to your liking. it's your world when you dream. for that short little ten minutes you allow yourself to make believe your ideal world. it's like playing dollhouse. but mentally. indulged in habitual mental dollhouse when i'm alone sometimes. it was as though my life have dual plots. i can be one highly effective teenager leading a picture perfect life. but another moment, poof! snap back to reality. life is one boring sublime worthy going straight to video if it was made a movie.

i'm sick and tired of having this mental dollhouse syndrome. sure, it's attractive. you can allow yourself to live in your own utopia. but it doesn't even exist. i've always believe that anyone can make things happen. i found it absoutely logical to believe in that. but reality sometimes leave such beliefs doubtful. or is it just me? am i going to sit here and endure 1 and a half more years of something that seems to be repeating itself? why in the world had i doubt the road i chose and in the end, realise i'm stuck in a place i always had a wanting to get out of. but that's when contradiction sets in. i enjoy the familiar settings when i wake up every morning since i grew up with it. it's like a refusal to let go of the past because there're flaws in it. and i want to smoothen these flaws before i move on. it's as though these are preludes to a huge forthcoming episode where dreams really become reality.

not even a temporary high can satisfy.