I looked out of my rear window and saw nothing.

I just moved back to my old room, where my grandmother used to vacate before she moved back to my Uncle's a few months ago. There are some repainting on the walls to be done, new furniture to purchase, new lights to install, etc, etc. I really cannot wait to have my own room - finally. Meanwhile, the deadlines are slowly killing off every little brain cells I have left, leaving me utterly exhausted. There are no examinations in film school, just insane amount of assignments piling up towards the end of the semester with crazy dosage of procrastination ingrained in every film students' DNA.

Strange how one ponders about growing up and other random schendoms amidst essays and edits during the wee hours of the night while sneaking a smoke break, then looking up at the silence in the neighbourhood and decided to blog about it. Ah, procrastination.

It is scary how I have grown so dependent on being wired yet I thought I survived well enough getting through losing my phone and not having one for a single, full day. Not having people calling me or the need to contact someone certainly was a well deserved wireless vacation. Not having my Mac or the internet, on the other hand - just the thought of it - scares me. My dependency and its indisposability is scarier.





I will learn to say no, in future.

I'm a new soul.

Now that April would be less busy than I thought it could have been, I can afford to eat leftover pizzas, watch Family Guy, fall asleep, watch Japan Hour and rearrange my profile boxes on Facebook instead of rushing my assignments on an excruciatingly slow Saturday. I am in a post-shoot kinda spaced out mood, which usually happens a week after a shoot ends. The pendulum that is my student life amazes me.

Insomniac.

This isn't news, but I have trouble sleeping at proper hours.
I have also switched to rolling my own smokes, in a valiant attempt to cut down because I know it will eventually become a chore to roll one.
My Lunar New Year resolution to live the supermodel diet of coffee and cigarettes - which I tweaked to my own Rufus preference of Milo-peng and rolled-cigarettes - is not going very well. The over-surplus of Bee Cheng Hiang and pineapple tarts at home continue to give me Tyra Thighs.
I don't bother concealing my eyebags/circles anymore. I don't bother doing up my hair, and I wear clothes without choosing them with great intent in the morning.
Maybe I should stop shaving, too.

That's all.

So anyway, nothing much happened in the last five minutes of my fabulous life. Tomorrow is the last of my off days and I have no idea what else to do except what I've been doing for the past two days, that is, sleep, wake up and fall back into slumberland again. And then wake up in time for dinner. Well, throw a little Youtube in the middle. I've got little, or no friends to go out with because they are all 1)in school having fun with lectures and meeting submission deadlines, 2)at work, 3)killing themselves 4)or avoiding me.

I contemplated going out alone with my Holga, sipping hot mocha, reading a book, people-watch all day and listen to a little Bob Dylan (ok fine. Dixie Chicks.). By the time I reach to a consensus and had finally decided to pick my lazy untoned arse up to have a quick shower, I realised that I can't because I'm left with $21.47 in my bank account to last till the next paycheck. And I'm supposed to be saving.

At least I went sun-baking and swam 15 laps today, in an attempt to live the pages of Men's Health. I even had the new, anorexic-sized Grilled Chicken Foldover for late lunch/early dinner. And I entertained the thought of forking out 150bucks after paycheck for a gym membership which includes personal training.

I looked mildly tanned now. Goodness, how I bore myself to death.

Satin in a Coffin.

• Sometimes I think I am losing it.
  
• I hate outbreaks, and the bloody ingrown hair from shaving.
• I think I hurt my back.
  
• I still hate reverse Jumbo.
  
• Lasalle sent me the prospectus I requested today. Arts Management or Films? Practicality or Passion? My dad went, "Dou tan bo jia leh," you can't earn much from either. Well, too bad your son can't do maths.
  
• Love is the new Feel Awlful. I cannot agree more. So why are we subjecting ourselves to such mental sado-machosim, I wonder.
• I am craving for bubble milk tea, now.
  
• A good friend called to inform me she has been accepted into the local Universities. I screamed in delight outside the guard room and everyone stared at me, thinking I've struck the lottery.
• I need a new facial cleanser.
  
• I want to catch a movie.
• Me and my bunkmates are marvelling over the imitation strawberry/chocolate Giant Chocky Brand sticks. "That's delicious and, fun," so it says.
• I want a good massage.
• These days, the question I asked myself more frequently than others is "why am I doing this?"

I wished I knew better.

This is how it goes, you get angry at yourself.

Pretty awful week, obviously. But I've picked myself up and ready to get drowned in milo peng and DVDs and Froot Loops. Took a day off for a longer weekend in a bid to get things off my mind. After a good swim escaping the afternoon heat, I went strolling in the supermarket (people take walks in the park, I prefer the air-con aisles.) and discovered Oreo WaferSticks! Imagine my delight. My attempt to a good workout in the gym is once again futile.

Did I mention I am re-watching Jewel In The Palace on the telly, again? I am officially obsessed, if you must. Ooh. It's ten pm!

• All munjen what: Take the test and see if you can tell the difference between Chinese, Japanese and Korean. My result was very bad, obviously I couldn't tell the difference.
  

my mouth is drainy.

Last week, I was helping my bunkmate come up with a handmade Valentine's Day present for this girl he was courting. We stopped by Artfriend which, for me, was like going to ToysR'Us. It was perhaps the first time in many months I dabbled in something art and craft-ish, albeit it was for the Celebration of Commercial Display of Love.

I miss art lessons. Painting, playing with colours and getting my uniform tainted with paint. I miss thinking that I am going to come up with some warped ideas from looking out of the bus window and using it for my piece. I miss going to museums for shows and then wishing I was as good as them, hoping that one day I will have my own show, too.
Perhaps I should start painting again.

This is a very boring weekend.

if your livin' get weezy.

I'm so jaded.

There are so many things I want to do, yet I am not. Because I just want to lie on the couch the entire day and channel surf and eat bak-gua and grow 10kg and rot and die. I look at my room and decided perhaps if I take a nap for 45 minutes everything will miraculously be at their right places. And it's the Spring Cleaning@Hougang season. My mum had to literally dragged my arse to clear all the rubbish that I had refused to throw away last year, which included things from the previous century. I don't understand how, or why there are still tonnes of rubbish that were still there despite this being a yearly affair. I supposed a part of me didn't want to let go of the past in previous years and now I can. Or maybe it's just that I must throw them away to make way for a new cupboard my Dad is getting.
Either way, the cleaning is giving me the sinus.

Among the things I threw away like movie stubs, brochures (?), dried paints, old school notes, old wallets, too many to list. I also found Neoprints from the late 90s! Back then I sported this tragic hairstyle that remained till, good gracious, 2002? Imagine center parting curtains and you'll get the picture. There was a time when me and my sad friends would spare a few coins just to take a Neoprint every week so that we could fill up this free poster meant for it. I know. We were such losers.

There are so many things I want to buy. Truckloads of DVDs, the new Macbook Pro (you must see that baby.), travelogues, cameras. And more. Either I need to find a rich tai-tai or a sugardaddy, or strike the lottery.

I am fuckin' lazy.