morgueville,heartland living.

i swear i am going bonkers. fucken shit.

i feel as if i am going through a real testament of all my fears. and no. it's not because of the promos. but somehow i just hope in good light this will be some sort of motivation for me to finally let go of that darn devil that's inside me dictating my every move. fuck you that darn lil' demon inside me. i swear i will get you out.

yesterday i went to the church beside my home. i lit a candle and prayed to Him. my faith was lost. but after that little prayer i believe i will, believe again. i guess it's the sceptism for being a free thinker almost all my life that makes me lose faith. i only started going to church 2 years ago which began my journey of what truth is there in this crazy world. but it's as if He failed me. now i hope He will take me out of this pit that's pulling me down all the time.

i think i just saw a sign He gave. my grandma had difficulty walking now ever since the operation on her knees last month. and even though my parents often shouted at her for not trying hard to walk and instead, wailed all the time at her bed, i have seen the other side of her when she tried walking without the support, all by herself in the kitchen while everyone's asleep. for the past hour, my mum have been making her stand up on her own after she complain the pain is back again. for one hour. the two different dialects were exchanged whilst my mum kept telling her she can stand up on her own.

and she did. after a long time.

this is like a nightmare recurring again. and no. i am not here to seek for attention. i need an arena to let things out. now i feel a tad bit better. don't worry. that fucken demon will get out of me.